Like so many other busy geek gals, I am cruising along happily on the celibacy superhighway. Just because I don't have time for the trappings of a relationship doesn't mean I'm about to go without sexual gratification. You can open up several options for your partner-free sex life besides straight-up masturbation and the occasional cheap fling by giving your surrounding objects new meaning, and as a result, a happier extended lifetime via alternative usage.

machines are easier than humans
Machines are perhaps at the genesis of future relationships with humans. Everyday, we are creating more and more intimate relationships with them. The so-called Information Age is breeding a generation of self-obsessed technocrats, causing people to spend more time with their computers than with other humans. Until the first cyborg is mass marketed, we girls need to invent our own technological improvements over those overrated things called human relationships. Why not begin the process of breeding with machinery now, while the pesky risk of pregnancy is (as of yet) impossible, by becoming more intimate with the everyday tools around you?

reduce, reuse, rapture
Today our appliances are designed to fall apart shortly after their warrantee expires, ready to relinquish their role to a more functional, accelerated model. Be sure to make an extended life cycle of your technological wares a big priority. I'm not about to "liberate" myself by purchasing the latest overpriced vibrator when "unfashionable" machinery all around us is going to waste, rusting away unloved. That trusty Atari joystick is probably still in your parents garage, hoping, waiting, yearning for your return. Why not try a little recycling while in pursuit of your next orgasm?

Mouse
The trackball on the bottom has obvious possibilities for all sorts of smooth operations. Could be good for an orgasmic pick-me-up after hours of soul-gazing into the eyes of your computer monitor. If you're at the office however, people might look at you strange if you've got the mouse in your lap rather than on the desk.

Pager
The (vibrating, duh) pager its the ubiquitous love tool of the 90's. With a little imagination, you can turn your pager into multi-tasking tool, a publicly acceptable portable pocket vibrator as well as communication device. Whether dialing 911 for a love emergency, or sending a vibrating message of pleasure to an expectant second party, there's many ways to use this multi-purpose gizmo without ever having to touch anyone! It can serve as a liaison between you and an obsessive admirer, where their urgent need to contact you becomes pleasurable rather than irritating.

Modem
Although the hardware itself may lack in erotic potential, the internal capabilities allow access to those greasy nude pics of David Hasselhoff you've been dying to download off the internet. Internet chat rooms are a violation of my sensibilities personally, but you can always pull the plug on those nasty geeks who vie for your attention. Unfortunately they require a second party.

CD Player
I imagine that one's creative efforts in arranging themselves around a DiscMan would be rewarded by the disc spinner in the center, although perhaps not by the laser beam staring straight into your cooch, or the rays emanating their cancer-enchancing glow straight into your boobs.

Gameboy
I just love the name. Make up your own way to use it.